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| Jokes for Adults | ||
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| Mistaken Identity
An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard, when suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate, the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car. |
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 Little girl and her neighbour
One Sunday afternoon a little girl was happily walking home from Kids Church reading her bible. When she arrived at her driveway, her grumpy neighbour noticed what the little girl was doing and asked roughly, "What are you reading, girl?" The little girl replied gently, "My bible. The part where a man called Jonah got swallowed by a big fish and God saved him." At this, the neighbour snickered and scoffed, "The bible is a made-up book! How could a man survive in the stomach of a fish?" The girl answered, "Well, when I'm in heaven, I'll ask Jonah." The neighbour laughed more and arrogantly asked, "What if Jonah isn't in heaven?" The little girl thought long and hard about this question then replied quietly, "Then you can ask him." |
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| Measuring Time in Heaven
A man dies and goes to heaven. He is greeted by St. Peter, who offers to give him a tour of heaven. As the man walks around, he notices many clocks. Some go very fast, while others move very slowly. When the tour is done, the man asks St. Peter why some clocks move at varied speeds. St. Peter replies, "Each clock represents a person. Every time you lie, your clock speeds up. As you can see, people's clocks are separated by career. Over here are teachers, and over there are doctors, for example." The man nods. "Where are the politicians' clocks?" he asks. St. Peter replies, "We're using them in the back as air conditioners." |
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| The Taxi Driver and the Minister
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans. Saint Peter addresses him, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you into the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, from New York." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." Now it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am the Right Reverend Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?" "Up here, we work by results," explains Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed." |
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| The Bill Gates of Heaven
When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven. One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit. "That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?" "Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces." "Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates. "No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic." Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stormed off to find St. Peter. Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better??!!!!" "True," Peter replied, "but the Titanic only crashed once." |
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| No Chances
A wealthy American took his wife and mother in law to Jerusalem for a holiday. While they were there the mother in law died. The American went to the embassy to arrange to have the body sent back home for burial. He was told by a rather officious clerk that the costs were huge... US $28,000 to send the body back to the US. The clerk suggested "most people would rather bury the person here and have a memorial service in the US, that way the cost would only be $150. If you need some time to think it over, we have a private room where you can have some privacy to think." The American replied "No, that won't be necessary, it's very important that I take her back to the US." The clerk was amazed "I have never seen anyone with such great love for their mother in law. You made that decision so quickly!" The American replied "Well it's not really that, it's just that I heard a story about some guy who lived here about 2 thousand years ago, who died and then rose again just 3 days later - I'm not prepared take that chance!" |
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| 4 Parachutes - 5 people??
An aircraft was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger, said, I'm Kobe Bryant, The best NBA Basketball player, the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die..."So he took the first pack and left the plane. The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, "I am the wife of the former President of the United States, I am the most ambitious woman in the world, I am also a New York Senator and a potential future President."She just took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane. The third passenger, John Howard , said, "I am the Prime Minister of Australia, I have a great responsibility being the leader of a great nation. And above all I'm the most intelligent Prime Minister in Australian history, so Australia's people won't let me die". So he put on the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane. The fourth passenger, The Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year-old school boy, "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left, as a Christian I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute. The boy said, "It's OK, there's a parachute left for you. Australia's most intelligent Prime Minister has taken my school backpack." |
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| A mother and her small daughter were overheard talking. The daughter asked her mother "Mummy, why are we here ?" The mother was confounded but finally responded "We are here to help those less fortunate then us". The small girl thought for a moment and asked "But why are THEY here ??" |
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| Kids and Religion A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late ... but please don't shove me either!" ****** A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?" ****** A little boy was overheard praying, "Lord, if You can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am!" ****** Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy said, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy said, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song; they give him $100." The third boy said, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper; he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!" ****** A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping." ****** A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, "They couldn't get a baby-sitter." ****** A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honour thy father and thy mother,"she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill." |
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| Dogs' letters to God Dear God, How come people love to smell flowers, but hardly ever smell each other? Where are their priorities? Dear God, When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story? Dear God, If a dog barks all night in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog? Dear God, If we come back as humans, is that good or bad? Dear God, Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps? Dear God, Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize? Dear God, Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle from across the street! Dear God, When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands and beg to get in? Dear God, Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it that thing with the carpets again? AND MY FAVOURITE..... Dear God, Can you undo what that veterinarian did to me? |
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| Revelation 3:20 A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church members. At one house, it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the door, even though the pastor knocked several times. Finally, the pastor took out his card, wrote "Revelation 3:20"on the back of it, and stuck it in the door. Revelation 3:20 -- Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with me. The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate. Below the pastor's message was the notation "Genesis 3:10."Genesis 3:10 -- I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself." |
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| Little Johnny One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny standing in the foyer of the church, looking at a large plaque that hung there. After the young man of seven had stood there for some time, the pastor walked up beside him and said quietly, "Good morning, son." "Good morning, Pastor,"replied the youngster, not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Can I ask you, Sir, why are all these names listed on here?" "Well, son, these are all the people who have died in the service,"replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together, staring up at the large plaque.Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one, Sir, the 8:30 or the 10?" |
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| THE END IS NEAR A local priest and a pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, "The End Is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car. "Leave us alone you religious nuts!"yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard a big splash. "Do you think,"said one clergyman to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?" |
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| Today's Prayer Dear God, So far today, I am doing all right! I haven't been greedy, mean, selfish, nasty, self indulgent, gossiped or lost my temper. I have not complained, whinged, cursed or eaten any chocolate, nor have I charged anything to my credit card. But I'll be getting out of bed in a minute and then, I think, I'm really going to need your help. |
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The Rich Man Determined to "take it with him"when he died, a very rich man prayed until the Lord gave in. There was one condition: he could bring only one suitcase of his wealth. The rich man decided to fill the case with gold bullion.The day came when God called him home. St. Peter greeted him, but told him he could not bring his suitcase. "Oh, but I have an agreement with God,"the man explained. "That's unusual,"said St. Peter. "Mind if I take a look?"The man opened the suitcase to reveal the shining gold bullion. St. Peter was amazed. "Why in the world would you bring pavement?" |
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| The Pastor And His Sermons The elderly pastor was searching his closet for his collar before church one Sunday morning. In the back of the closet, he found a small box containing 3 eggs and 100 $1 bills. He called his wife into the closet to ask her about the box and its contents. Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for their entire 25 years of marriage. Curious, the pastor asked her, "WHY?"The wife replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings. He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings. She said that every time during their marriage that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box. The pastor felt that 3 poor sermons in 25 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for. She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbours for $1." |
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| The Minister A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute,"says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?""Up here, we work by results,"says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed..." |
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| President Bush After many long and fruitful years, ex-President George Bush dies and goes to Heaven. Within the first few months of eternity, he finds Moses walking the streets of gold. Thinking to himself: "It would be interesting to compare notes, head-of-state to head-of-state."he approaches Moses. Moses sees him coming, turns white and runs the other way! Puzzled by this reaction, George goes on his way in paradise. A few hundred years pass, and George again sees Moses walking the streets of Gold. This time he is able to stand right beside Moses before Moses notices him. George asks: "Why did you run away from me the first time we saw each other? All I wanted to do was discuss the aspects of being head-of-state with you." Moses replies: "Well, the last time I spoke to a 'Bush', I wound up spending 40 years in the wilderness!" |
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| Playing Golf in Heaven One day three people were in Heaven playing golf. Moses, Jesus, and some old guy. Moses went first, he hit the ball, and it bounced off a shrub and landed in the water. So he parted the water, and hit the ball for a hole in two. Jesus went next, He hit the ball, and it bounced off of the light pole, and landed in the water. He walks on the water, and hits the ball for a hole in two. The old guy is next, he steps up, and hits the ball, it bounces off the light pole, hits the shrub, skips across the water, and is a hole in one. Moses leans over to Jesus and says, "I hate playing with your Father." |
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The Burglar An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop - Acts 2:38!"(..turn from your sin...) The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you." "Scripture?"replied the burglar, "She said she had an AXE and two 38's!" |
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| Psalm 119:71 A Minister who preached on Psalm 119, verse 71 - "It is good for me that I was afflicted"- illustrated his sermon by saying that whereas growth sometimes takes place best in sunlight, at other times a shady spot is preferable. He then continued, "Whereas we plant roses where they will be exposed to sunshine, if we want fuchsias to do well we plant them in the shade."After the sermon, from which he hoped some of the members would derive comfort, a lady thanked him profusely. His heart glowed until she added, "Now I know what is wrong with my fuchsias." |
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| Children Understanding The Bible These quotes came from a Catholic elementary school. The children were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments and the following statements contain their answers. Look closely, the incorrect spelling has been left in:
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| What do you call a charismatic at an auction?
Broke. |
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| Why didn't Cain please the Lord?
He simply wasn't Abel. |
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| Who was the largest woman in the Bible?
The woman of Samaria |
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| Who was the shortest person in the Bible?
A toss up between Knee-high-miah (Nehemiah), Bildad the Shoe-height (Shuhite -- Job 2:11) and Peter (he slept on his watch!!) |
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| What was the first tennis match in the Bible?
It was when Moses served in the courts of Pharaoh. |
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| Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac?
He stayed up all night, wondering if there was a dog. |
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| What was the first sports car mentioned in the Bible?
It was when Moses raced across the wilderness in his Triumph!! |
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| The Cab Driver A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years". |
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| Sunday School Song A child came home from Sunday School and told his mother that he had learned a new song about a cross-eyed bear named Gladly. It took his mother a while before she realized that the hymn was really "Gladly The Cross I'd Bear," |
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| The Thunderstorm One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear,"she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy." |
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| The Test A man when reaching Heaven, was met by St Peter at the Gate, and told that his entry into the Golden City would depend on the results of a test. He was shown into a film editing room, containing footage of every single moment of his existence, and after being shown how to use the equipment, told to make a three hour film of his life. As he looked through his life, he saw how much time had been wasted, deeds left undone, words left unsaid, and was saddened that he had not done better. The man set to work assiduously, and snipped and taped and viewed and counted for many months before he was sure that he had been able to show his life in the best possible light. It took a lot of doing, but at last, acts of kindness, humility, generosity, love,patience and devotion, along with all of his greatest achievements were all spliced into the reel. When he was finally finished, he was sure that there was nothing of worth in his life that he had left out of the film. St Peter appeared as soon as he had finished, and, ignoring the proffered film, collected up all of the offcuts, snippets and rejected parts of his life to offer to God..... |
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| A Cheesy One A new Australian was travelling home on the train after his first day on the job. He happened to be sitting next to a Salvation Army officer and, impressed with his uniform, asked him who he worked for. " I work for Christ Jesus" came the reply. "ah yes, I know him" said the new aussie, " I work a for his a brother, Kraft a Cheeses!" |
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